Taking Care Of Yourself When You've Lost Your Job

by Diane Tracy
Founder of Tracy Communications

When you've lost your job, regardless of the reason, the first thing you should do is call on your support group, the people in your life who love you and accept you just as you are, the people with whom you can take off the mask. Before you even begin to think about getting another job, you need to take care of your emotional needs. Losing a job usually hurts a lot; you need other people to help you through the pain.

For some of us, asking for help when we are down is tough. Instead of reaching out, we isolate and hide. We are afraid we will appear weak if we let people know how we really feel and that we need help. Like wounded animals, we keep to ourselves and lick our wounds. Some of us may even "growl" at others when they try to assist us and make us feel better. The problem is compounded when we feel we are to blame for what happened. The longer we stay alone in our pain and discomfort, the lower we sink into despair and the longer it takes to get out.

If you are the type who always handles things on your own and rarely ask for help, your current loss can be an opportunity for growth. It's a chance to learn new behaviors that can bring you closer to other people. If you always try to be self-sufficient, you deprive people of the opportunity of knowing you as a human being and you cheat yourself. You can't experience intimacy with others if you never show your vulnerable, hurting side. When you admit that you can't do it alone, you realize your interdependence. You experience a sense of community, of people needing other people, and of being there for one another.

You need people in times of loss. Asking for help when you need it is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of health. Your pain can be a gift in disguise. It can force you out of isolation and enable you to connect with other people on a deeper level.

When you have needs and strong feelings, you must choose your confidantes carefully. You need people who can listen to you without judgment and who can validate your feelings. Choose carefully whom you go to for help. Some people simply don't have the capacity to get out of themselves and be there for you. They may be uncomfortable watching you express strong feelings. They may have a need to "fix" you by telling you how you should or shouldn't feel, which is of little or no value.

Here are some symptoms that may indicate you have difficulty asking for help:

*Trying to handle problems all by yourself.

*Hiding your feelings from other people when are upset, including those closest to you.

*Feeling resentful when people try to help you, especially when you haven't asked for it.

*Going to great lengths to avoid asking people for help.

* Keeping all your problems a secret.

*When you ask for help, feeling embarrassed and extremely vulnerable.

* Viewing other people who ask for help as weak and overly needy.

Our jobs represent security to us; they provide our lives with structures and purpose. When they're gone, we can easily slip into feeling as though we have lost everything. Our equilibrium is upset and we lose our perspective on life. It's up to us to get it back. Even when we are not to blame for what happened to us, we are still responsible for how we let the event affect us. It's okay and necessary to feel the feelings that go with losing a job. At the same time, you need to look at the event in its proper context.

If you feel you have lost your perspective, here are some suggestions for getting it back:

*Stop thinking about what you've lost and focus on what you still have. Make a list of the things that are unchanged, for which you are grateful.

*Change the way you look at the event. Consider it a challenging experience that can teach you something new.

*Remind yourself that obstacles and hardships are just part of living and that your situation is temporary.

*Remember that others like you have struggled through hardships and emerged victorious.

*Make a list of things that can never be taken away from you. Compare their importance to what you have lost or may lose.

*Remind yourself that the game is not over until it is over, no matter how bad things may appear. Situations can change in the twinkling of an eye.

* Go for a long walk in the woods or a park. Notice how things are still the same there. Let the beauty of your surroundings soak in.

* Talk to people about the hardships they have experienced in their own lives. Ask them what brought them through the difficult time.

*Get your mind off yourself. Do something nice for someone less fortunate. Your problem will not disappear, but it won't have the some all-consuming importance.

You are the one who decides how much power a situation will have over you. You can choose to let it destroy you or make you stronger.